Fight Global Daylight Change (GDC)!

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE --December 10, 2011

Daylight has been growing shorter every day since June 22 of this year. At the current rate of change, there will be no daylight left at all by next summer. The people I’ve talked to all agree on this. It’s settled science.

We must fight this! I propose an international meeting of all 194 countries, in some central location, like Fiji or Cancun. We will establish a legal framework to punish those nations that use too much daylight, and provide billions of dollars in relief to those small developing countries who, solely as a result of their distance from the equator, are more affected by global daylight change.

All those who claim that GDC is not anthropogenic, or part of some kind of natural cycle, will be ostracized. These deniers must be stopped!

The United States is the primary villain in all this. They use far more than their share of daylight, with the main offenders being San Diego, New Mexico, and, for some reason, Philadelphia (it’s always sunny there, apparently). They have made some token efforts to restrict daylight use, in such backwards places as Wasilla, Alaska, but on the whole they consume over 24% of all global daylight. (Unfortunately, I lost all the original data to support this figure, but it’s true. Don’t be a denier!)

In support of this effort, I am organizing a protest. Occupy Waikiki will show our resolve to affect global political thought by hanging out in tents and trying to come up with some kind of coherent message. We especially need the kind of open, uncluttered minds that can see how capitalism and personal freedom are the major causes of this crisis, and how they can be stopped. Also, if you’re mechanically inclined, your expertise is required - to get this movement started, we need lots of tools and cranks. Be sure to bring your sunscreen!

We’re also organizing a world-wide observation of this crisis. At 12 noon local time on December 10th, we want everyone in the world to turn off all light-emitting devices, douse the lights and sit in a dark room for an hour. Use this time to show solidarity with other GDC fighters the world over, and think about what you can do to Shed Light on the Problem (tm). Be sure to get your kids’ schools involved in this. You’d be surprised at how enthusiastic your kids will be at the idea of spending an hour in a dark room with their schoolmates.

Fight the Change! Power to the correct people!